Memories
by GetOutOfMyHead
Summary: It's amazing how Music and Poetry can echo everyday life. Looking for a chapter five poem. Any suggestions?
1. Nothing I've Ever Known

**AN: **This is the repost of Nothing I've Ever Known, the Bryan Adams SongFic I did a while ago. I removed it because I wanted to rework it abit, rename it and give it some chapters. Hope it meets your approval.

**Disclaimer**: I don't own Remus or Severus, the Spirit song or soundtrack, or the poems in the future chapters. I feel I've given the appropriate info on them and will also willingly give out the links to the site I got them off of. I'm not going to bother with reposting the disclaimer or doing new ones on each chapter.

**Nothing I've Ever Known**

Severus sat on the couch in his living room, sipping red wine and watching the flames in the fireplace die. Their death was slow and steady, like his thoughts. Occasionally there was a sudden burst of sparks, a sudden realisation or idea.

He was considering Remus. He was coming over later. He said they needed to "talk." that made Severus nervous, like it did with any other man. They'd been seeing each other for sometime now; it was a causal thing, a fling or affair really, but all the same Severus didn't want it to end. That's what he was afraid of. Remus deciding it was over, that he was bored of him.

And that's also why he'd sat down to think - to figure out why he didn't want it to end so much, why he was worried, what he could do to keep the werewolf to himself. He'd had advice from several people in the last few days. Potter said that Remus wanted commitment. Minerva said he wanted space. Black said that it Severus hurt Remus, he'd see to it that Severus was castrated. He shuddered at the thought. Black was enough of a sick fuck to do it, too.

He stood and went to the shelf that held several framed pictures. There was one of his mother, one of his father, several of various cousins, and one of he and Remus. He picked it up and studied it. The figures could hardly keep their hands off each other, not letting go of their embrace, kissing occasionally, stroking and fixing each other's hair. They took no notice of their watcher. He sighed and carried it over to the window ledge, setting it down beside him as he leaned on the frame. He finished the wine as he gazed out the window at the white Hogwarts grounds behind it, his confusion growing. He'd never experienced this before.

_Right now I feel - Just like a leaf on a breeze_

_Who knows where it's blowin'_

_Who knows where it's goin'_

_I find myself somewhere I - I never thought I'd be_

_Going in circles_

_Thinking about you and me_

_How do I explain it when - I don't know what to say_

_What do I do now - So much has changed_

He sighed again, setting down his glass. He wanted to assume Potter was right. Commitment. But that was risky. Commitment means telling each other your deepest, darkest secrets, and if he told Remus those he'd leave for sure. Commitment also meant he would have to open himself to Remus and show emotion and weakness and all those other things Severus had spent years training himself against. He'd never associated anything but lust with Remus - once he'd become Remus anyways. He'd always been Lupin before, not worth Severus' time. Now all the potions master wanted to do was spend every waking moment in Remus' company.

He paused at that thought. Every waking moment? That implied that Severus had feelings for Remus, which of course was preposterous. No, he definitely did not. He just appreciated Remus' company, that's all. And yet something about that statement nagged at him. That wasn't how he'd been acting. He'd gone out of his way to see Remus, and come to think of it, Remus had done so as well. If it was just a matter of company it wouldn't matter if Remus left him. He could just get another partner, some other intelligent man.

But Severus didn't want another man.

He wanted the werewolf.

The dying flames suddenly leapt up and changed, sending green light flooding the darkening room as a figure stepped out and brushed himself off. Severus couldn't help the slight smile that came over him as Remus walked over and leaned on the other side of the window, smiling hesitantly at Severus. He suspected it then, very suddenly. What a disturbing thought.

_Nothing I have ever known - Has made me feel this way_

_Nothing I have ever seen - Has made me want to stay_

_But here I am - Ready for you_

_I'm torn 'n I'm fallin' - I hear my home callin'_

_Hey - I've never felt something so strong - Oh no_

_It's like nothing I've ever known_

Remus picked up the picture beside Severus silently. He traced the figures lightly, then sat it back down. He started to speak but Severus cut him off, pulling the smaller man to him and kissing him gently. He felt Remus' surprise and slight hesitation, but they melted away as the kiss slowly deepened. There was no urgency, nothing hurrying them. Neither rushed their slow exploration. The last of Severus' confusion and nervousness disappeared, replace by a calm, flowing knowledge.

_Now you're the one I'm lookin' for_

_You're the one I need_

_You're the one that gives me - A reason to believe_

_Following a star - Has lead to where you are_

_It feels so strong now - This can't be wrong now_

Eventually they parted, still holding on to each other. Remus leaned his forehead on Severus' chest as Severus Pressed his cheek lightly against Remus' head. He gently stroked Remus' hair like his picture self, a silent and affectionate gesture. Remus sighed contentedly in his arms and tightened his hold, making Severus smile in spite of himself.

_Nothing I have ever known - Has made me feel this way_

_Nothing I have ever seen - Has made me want to stay_

_But here I am - Ready for you_

_I'm torn 'n I'm fallin' - I hear my home callin'_

_Hey - I've never felt something so strong - Oh no_

_It's like nothing I've ever known_

Severus gently pushed Remus away, not much, just enough to look into his eyes. Those beautiful hazel pools gazed expectantly at him, overflowing with hope and something else, something Severus hoped he wasn't imagining.

_Right now I feel - Like a leaf on a breeze_

_Who knows where it's blowin'_

_And who knows where I'm goin'_

"I love you, Remus."


	2. What More?

_**AN: **The poem for chapter two is titled _What More? _And is by_ **Ella Kay**_. If that isn't her full name I can't help that because she didn't put it on. If anyone wants the web address for the site or a direct link to the page, I can email it to you no prob. I reorganised it a little, just to fit the story._

_**What More?**_

Dishes? Cleaned and drying.

Bathroom? Sparkling.

Clothes? Washed and hung in the closet.

Remus smiled around the small flat. He'd cleaned the entire thing by hand, including the fireplace. For some odd reason he found it very relaxing and calming on his nerves.

The clock chimed three times behind him. _Only three? _he thought. He didn't have to be at Severus' until after dinner. He sighed. Severus. What was he going to say?

In the kitchen he poured himself some fruit juice and plopped into a chair. His thoughts raced. Did he want to do this? Was he strong enough? How would Severus take it?

It was fairly obvious that Severus was interested in their relationship, but he was never affectionate. Remus needed to feel like he was worth Severus' time. Well, anyone he was with's time actually. Severus didn't act like he was. Often it was like he was a pain in Severus' ass.

Remus had tried to get Severus' attention, the kind he wanted. He'd listened to him, talked to him, supported him, helped him after Death Eater meetings when he came back injured, even let him into his bed. It didn't seem to matter what he did.

The hours crept by as Remus stewed, darkness falling by only 5:00 p.m.

_I realise now_

_As night falls_

_Heavy on my heart_

_I can do no more_

_To earn your love_

_I've listened,_

_Cried, laughed,_

_Worried, searched_

_And yet…_

_I fall short_

_In your eyes_

Remus had to wait until the Hogwarts dinner hour was over to see Severus. _Another hour. _He sighed, lying down on the couch. Why was time passing so slowly?

As he waited he remembered a conversation he's had with Severus. "What do you want in a man?" he'd asked flirtingly, twining their fingers together.

"Decent conversationalist," Severus had answered, watching their hands. "Confident. Reasonably attractive." He'd paused. "I've always had a thing for blondes."

Not the answer Remus had been looking for, especially after sex. Even if he didn't mean it, Remus had wanted Severus to describe _him._ He didn't know as much as Severus and was sometimes lost in their conversations. He was confident enough for himself, but he never thought he was overly attractive. And he definitely wasn't a blonde. Well, he had been a dirty blonde, but it was on the darker side these days and starting to grey. He'd dye it but he knew he'd look like an idiot with light blonde hair. Once when they were young James and Sirius had convinced him to try it. They'd laughed so hard James had almost pissed himself and Sirius had the hiccups for a good hour after. No, he definitely wouldn't do that again.

_You wish for a dream,_

_Perfection,_

_I offer you reality…_

_Me._

_I fall short_

_In your eyes._

But Remus had other good things about him. He was fit. He was very confident of his body, and he'd been told he'd had some very prominent … skills.

He was smart enough. Sure, he didn't read Eugene Malloy, but he read Shakespeare. He liked art and different music types.

No, there was nothing wrong with Remus. If Severus didn't want to bother with him that was his problem.

_So continue your search_

_But look not_

_For me._

_I have awakened to a new day._

_The day of my perfection…_

The clock chimed again. _Time to go, _he thought sighing.

Remus didn't hesitate as he threw floo powder into the hearth, didn't hesitate as he entered Severus' rooms at Hogwarts, didn't look around or think about this being the last time he's be here. He wouldn't - couldn't - let himself. It was time he did what he needed for _him, _not others.

Severus was standing at the main window, looking out over the snowy lawn. An empty wineglass sat beside him on the ledge and a picture frame was beside it.

Remus leaned on the other side of the window. He glanced at the picture. It was one of them. He looked quickly at Severus and picked up the picture. He had the same one, taken of them by Albus a couple of months ago. He ran his fingers over the couple kissing in the frame and set it down again, hoping he'd be able to talk around the lump in his throat.

Before he could speak Severus pulled the smaller man forward and wrapped him in his arms, kissing him. Remus had never been kissed like this before, gently, tenderly. He melted into the embrace. There was no usual battle for dominance, no taking, only giving. Severus tasted like the wine he'd been drinking, aged to perfection.

When they parted Remus leant his head on Severus' chest. He felt Severus lean his cheek on his head, felt him stroking his hair, felt the tears threatening to fall. He had to do it. He had to. He had to think about what was best for him.

But there was something different in Severus' touch, spurring his hope. He couldn't help not being able to speak.

Severus suddenly pushed him away, not roughly though, more like just holding him out a bit. Remus had never seen that expression on his face before.

"I love you, Remus."


	3. I Would Write You a Love Letter

_**A.N: **I'm currently looking for the fifth and last poem or song that could finish this story. If anyone wants it to go a specific way they can email me the lyrics/poem and I'll decide if it fits. The poem for this chapter was written by _**Amanda L. Westbrock **- _the link, again, is available by request. My apologies about _Behold the Turtle _- it is still being written, but I can't get the right height or magical wind properly timed to Snape's commando-ness. I especially feel bad because chapter four is dedicated to Mooncheese, because she was my second online reviewer. Sorry about the wait._

_Oh, and also, I'm experimenting with different points of view and past/present tense at the moment. You'll be able to see that in the next couple chapters of this and prolly the next few updates with BtT._

_Questions and suggestions can be addressed in reviews hinthint or you can feel free to email me or add me to you MSN. I'm fine with any of it. I have like no one on my MSN. I'm a loner._

**I Would Write You A Love Letter**

He looks so peaceful when he sleeps. Deep breathing, eyes fluttering in dream - I want to take a picture but he'd kill me. I can't help but grin at his sleeping form in the darkness.

After a few minutes he shifts with a groan from his back to his side facing me. Gods he's gorgeous. The single candle across the room reflect wonderfully off his black hair. I want to touch, but he'd wake up. Instead I keep watching. I'm always watching him and he knows it; I think he secretly enjoys it, even if he does snap, "A picture would last you longer, Remus." I just smile and say, "Maybe, but you're camera shy." then he mutters about people he's supposedly injured for calling him shy. I chuckle silently to the darkness as he slides his arm under the pillow. Anyone would be shocked to find out how relaxed the bastardly Potions Master of Hogwarts could be.

The clock beside the bed catches my attention - 3:52 am. I've got just over an hour before I have to meet Albus for my next mission. Severus doesn't wake up until about six, so I'll have to wake him to say goodbye. We've excepted that each mission could be my last, each Death Eater meeting his, so we always see each other beforehand. That's why I'm in his bed.

I hate waking him up to say goodbye. I hate waking him period. He's expecting me to though. I wonder if I could get away with just leaving him a letter.

Slowly I get out of bed, careful not to wake him. My clothes are still in the living room beside the couch where we abandoned them. We need to bring them in the bedroom next time so I don't have to streak through the cold rooms. He may have windows that appear to look outside but we're still in the dungeons. They're like the windows in the Ministry of Magic. I throw some wood in the fireplace and light it quickly. As the room slowly heats up I wander to Severus' desk and pick out some ink, a quill and a slip of parchment.

I sit on the couch again and try to think of what to write to him. Instead I'm distracted by the memory of how he had kissed me earlier, right here where I sit. How he'd laughed when I complained how cold it was in his rooms after he'd gotten my shirt off.

_You won't be cold much longer, _he'd promised in a husky whisper.

I realise I'm tapping the page with the quill. I stop, worried that his apparent super-sensitive hearing will rouse him at the noise. I stare blankly at the page, willing words to come to me.

_I would write you a love letter_

_But there isn't enough paper_

_To write down everything wonderful about you-_

_The way you laugh, talk, and kiss,_

_The way you do those little things_

_That make me so crazy about you_

I think about the full moon last week, the morning after. He'd come and gave me a healing potion and made me breakfast. I was still sore after so he'd given me a massage. It was so sweet. Even though he 'doesn't do sweet.' He'd told me he loved me again. I know he won't say it often, but it's always worth the wait. I wonder if he'll come next month too.

_I would write you a love letter_

_But there aren't enough pencils_

_Or pens or ink to put down_

_How you make me feel-_

_How you make my heart beat faster_

_And my breath catch whenever we're close,_

_How you stay with me_

_Like a love song I can't get out of my head_

Tapping again. I set the quill down to cease the sound. There is only the crackling of the fire now. I can feel frustration building up. Frustration at not being able to write a simple letter to the man I love. The clock on the mantle shows 4:30. In half an hour I'll have to be at Grimmauld Place to meet Albus. I sigh deeply. I don't want to go.

What I do want is to crawl back in bed with Severus and keep watching him.

_I would write you a love letter_

_But there aren't enough hours _

_Or days or lifetimes_

_To describe all you mean to me-_

_The way you've changed my world _

_And made me dream things_

_I never dared dream before_

The little clock chimes five times. I need to go, right now. I scrawl the first thing that comes to mind and leave through the floo network.

Severus awoke an hour later, pissed that Remus hadn't woken him. He showered and dressed, muttering about saying goodbye. As soon as he got into his kitchenette he poured some life-saving coffee. He walked slowly around his rooms, picking up abandoned cloths and glasses from the night before. As he passed the coffee table he saw the parchment, ink and quill sitting there. He flipped over the page and read the hurried note. He smiled in spite of himself and slipped it in his pocket, making a mental note to put it somewhere safe.

_I would write you a love letter_

_But I can't_

_I love you too much._

-Love Remus


	4. Without You

_**A.N: **The poem is the part in brackets. The italics are speech. This chapter is a series of flashes of memories. The poem is by _**Felicia Connor**_. I had to reorganize it a bit for it to work. I think it's the shortest one so far, but there's something about it I'm in love with._

**Without You**

-Felicia Connor

_I love you, Remus._

_I love you too, Severus. You have no idea how long I've wanted to say that - and hear it._

(Hearing words you said to me

Made me happy,

Stopped the pain.)

His kisses always taste like chocolate dipped strawberries. It's like he lives on them. I started to really enjoy sweet like that after we first kissed.

He sits on my lap and takes my book, setting it on the coffee table. Chocolate and strawberry kisses.

_I love you, Severus, _he whispers.

I smile._ I know,_ I say and kiss him again.

(You touched my life like no other has.

You made me happy when I was sad.

Even though I only said it once or twice,

You were the very first love of my life.)

Chocolate and strawberry kisses. I think of nothing else as I sip my brandy. It is oddly bitter tonight. The fire is dieing down, but I do not move to rebuild it. It is not worth it. It is not like anyone is coming to see me anyway.

(But now you're gone and your love went too

I just can't stop thinking about you.

I don't know when your love for me had gone

But when it went, it brought me down.)

_I'm so sorry Severus. I don't know what to say. _I don't answer._ I still care about you. I do! It's just … different. Gods …_

My legs feel like they are about to give out. It's like Crucio, but it is somehow stronger. The pain is both physical and emotional. Amazing how all this anguish has been caused by a few simple words. My heart actually hurts. I'm not ready for this. I need him. I cannot look at him. Merlin, make it stop!

(You said you didn't feel anything special anymore.

This made me want to hit the floor.

I still have all these feelings for you.

They make me hurt; I just don't know what to do

Without you.)

Last night was the full moon. I wonder if he is in pain. I hate knowing that he is, and there is not a single thing I can do for him. He doesn't want my assistance. But I sent him the wolfsbane potion - I hope he took it.

I wonder if he was expecting to see me there this morning, hoping that I would have gone to him. I wonder if he misses me. I have been there every morning after for over two years now. I made him chocolate chip pancakes sometimes. They are his favourite.

(Thinking of you,

Wondering if you're thinking of me,

Has made me sad,

Has made me blue.)

I just miss him so much.

Even to talk to him would be enough.

(Not only did I lose my first love

I lost the best friend I ever had.)


	5. Ch 5 Part 1 The Journal

_**A.N:** This is prolly the hardest chapter I have ever written for anything. Except that chapter that I am STILL working on in Lost Unity. Well, I guess they're on the same level there. I love this song. It was under my nose and in my walkman the whole 5 months or so I looked for a chapter 5. Sad huh? I only discovered how perfect it was when I got curisus as to what he was actually singing. I have a hearing impariment, so sometimes I don't understand lyrics. I looked them up and BAM! Perfection! I've been trying to produce as perfect a chapter as the song s in the first place. I hope I did reasonably well. **The Journal **is a sort of preface to the actual chapter. _

_**Disclaimer**: Still don't own the HP series. Don't own the song either. It's The Tea Party's _The Messenger_ in 5.2. Jeff Martin is sexy._

_**Warning:** This chapter had some things that could be very offensive or upsetting. There is implied violent sex, implied dom/sub, beatings, and possibly rape. This is not a happy chapter._

**Chapter 5.1**

**The Journal**

January 5

Some New Year this is. I was supposed to be out of here by now. Albus said I'd be home and I could be done with this. He said I could tell _him _everything. But I'm still here. My contact never made it. As it was, I was punished for being out of my quarters without permission. I'm not worried about the wounds though. Alrik has done worse. Like when I was tripped and broke those plates. Cuts heal, bruises go away and bites don't matter. He is what I am. That's what he keeps telling me. It doesn't feel like that though.

* * *

March 23

I've been abandoned. All I know is what is going on here. I have had no news from the Order in weeks. What could have happened? Tonks was supposed to meet me several times. Twice was cancelled, the last time she just never showed up. Has she been killed?

The last piece of information I had was three weeks ago. Alrik brought me with him to one of his meetings with Voldemort. Severus was there. While they were talking he managed to break into my mind and leave an update on what has happened with the Order. It's not going good. I fear that I may be left here for years, or even that we may loose the war. I gave him as much information as I could, but I am horrible at Legimency. All werewolves are. I hope he understood. I hope it gets me out of here. I want to go home. It sounds childish to say, but I do.

* * *

April ?

I don't even know where I am or what day it is. I've been picked up by another group of werewolves, another of Voldemorts. I have no contact with anyone in the Order. I don't know what's going on. They keep me locked in a trunk most of the time. Except when they feel like beating me … or other things. Apparently Alrik was thoughtful enough to mark me as a whore before getting himself killed. As horrible as I feel in saying this, I wish I was still with him. The beatings weren't so numerous. He didn't make me do these kinds of things. He never once shared me with any other person. He let me move around the grounds of his home. Compared to now, I had it good.

I've been thinking a lot. Locked in this box, there's not much else to do. About Severus. When we were together. He always made me feel better after the full moon. They beat me. He treated me well. He made love to me. I was happy with him, even though we both knew that any day we could either of us end up dead. I wish I had never come up with this mission. I wish I was still with him. I wish I could have told him why I left.

* * *

There's no telling how long I've been here. I think this is it. I think I'm dying. I can barely move to write. The blood in my eyes is blocking out a lot, so I'm sorry if this is illegible. There are only a few sheets of paper here, each with a few journals on them. I've used the last of my magic to send them to anyone. As soon as I stop writing they will go. I don't know where they will end up. On the side of light or of dark? I can only hope. I want them to be sent to Severus S Snape. I need to know that before he dies, Gods willing he's still alive, that I love him still. My feelings never changed for him. I had to leave because of the mission. If I was with him I would never be able to get in as close as I needed to be in order to get the information. It was necessary. If I had of survived the first thing I would have done is go to his side and pledge myself to him, tell him everything, even if he didn't want me. I would have begged for his forgiveness. But … it's too late now. I'm dizzy. Very dizzy. And so tired … 


End file.
